A foolproof guide to keeping your sexual shame exactly where it is

Most men think that getting rid of sexual shame is simply about doing something different, a new technique, a better approach, something to add to what they already know. The thing is though, sexual shame isn't a performance problem. It's not something that you hack your way out of. Working on it requires examining your beliefs, your practices, your identity as a man, who you are in relationship to your own body, desires, and arousal, how you communicate, what you understand about yourself and what your partners actually need. And that is such a huge ask, a much bigger ask than simply a technique, and this is why most men stay stuck.

So if you'd like to stay exactly where you are, here is your foolproof guide.

One, keep pretending it's fine. You're just a little stressed out right now, not really in the game. The problem is actually smaller than you think it is. Because if you actually admitted the problem was real, you'd have to do something about it, and your ego is worth protecting way more than having to take accountability for your own body.

Two, keep protecting your partner from the truth. Pretend that she's okay with it. She says she doesn't mind. She's loving and caring, and she'll just grab the toy afterwards to finish anyway. Keep letting her down in the bedroom, and don't actually acknowledge the impact it's having on your sexual connection. Keep the focus completely on your experience. Don't hold space for her pleasure, and definitely stop talking to her about it. In fact, don't bring it up at all.

Three, keep telling yourself you're the only one. Out of the entire history of human experience across every culture, every era, this is definitely only your problem. And because it's only your problem, there's no solution. Not a real one anyway,

Four, keep talking to everyone except the right person. Talk to your mates about it or don't, but listen to what they'd probably say anyway. Listen to the podcast bros who have strong opinions and zero hands-on experience. Keep consuming content from people who have never actually worked with men's bodies or arousal directly. Because asking someone who actually specializes in this, who has trained specifically in sexuality, who has sat with thousands of men in exactly this situation, that would mean admitting that it's real enough to warrant that kind of help.

Five, keep looking for that quick fix. You've been dealing with this for longer than you want to admit, years maybe, perhaps even decades. And in that time you've tried a few things, you read a few articles, maybe you watched a video or two, and when nothing stuck, you just moved on to the next thing. Because the right solution should work quickly, and if it doesn't, well, it didn't work anyway. The idea that something this ingrained might actually require real time consistency and willingness to look at w-what is underneath, that doesn't factor in. There has to be a faster way.

Six, keep avoiding the real help. And when you finally reach out to someone who might be able to help you, don't tell them how bad it actually is. Keep it vague, and when they start asking hard questions like, "What about your stress and anxiety levels?" Or, "What's your relationship to your body? How do you think that might be contributing?" Just shut it down, you've always been stressed. You've always been able to handle everything else in your life just fine. It's not really a problem.

Six, keep showing up without actually showing up. Maybe you did decide to sign up with a sex coach because you really wanna change this. You're committed, you even bought a package bundle to prove it to yourself. But don't actually show up for the work. Do the exercises in session, but don't apply any of it outside. Keep telling yourself that there's just no time, life is too stressful, and you can't find five minutes a day. Keep nodding and agreeing when your coach calls you out, and then going home and doing exactly the same thing. And when your coach says, "I can support you, but I can't want this for you," obviously, they just don't understand how busy you are. The money you invested, it's not working. Well, that's proof that their solution never did work, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you're not doing the work.

Seven, keep it to yourself even when it works. Because even if you do the work, even if something shifts and you come out the other side with more confidence, more ease in your body, don't tell anyone. Don't tell your mates. Don't be the one who breaks the silence. Women, they talk to each other. They share what's helped, and they can refer their friends. But men don't. And that cone of silence, the unspoken agreement to never be emotionally available or vulnerable, especially with the people that you're closest to, it doesn't just keep you stuck. It keeps the men next to you stuck as well.

If you recognize yourself in any of these, it's not a character flaw. These behaviors are the result of a system, the environment that you were raised in, and the beliefs that were handed to you about what it means to be a man. You didn't write those rules, you inherited them. And for men specifically, a lot of it comes back to this one thing: don't name it as a problem. Don't ask for help, and don't let anyone see that something isn't working. Many men are either unaware that this script is running or they're not ready to look at it yet. But from what I've seen in my practice, most men reach out where being quiet about it becomes unbearable.

And if you're at that point in this week's membership post, we're going to go deeper. I'll see you there.