What’s the difference between performing pleasure and receiving it?

So there’s a common misconception that the indicator of a satisfying and great sex life is about the number of orgasms you’ve had, maybe the number of positions you’ve done, or even how many crazy kinky situations you can get into.

And the truth is it’s not any of those.

The greatest indicator of a satisfying and nourishing sex life is actually this:

How often can you lose yourself in the moment?

I’ll say it again.
How often are you able to let go to fall completely in and immerse yourself in the sexual experience you are having?

And this can be really hard. This can be really challenging for many people.

So this is what I want to talk about today the difference between performative pleasure and receiving actual pleasure.

What Performative Pleasure Can Look Like:

Performative pleasure can look like putting your awareness outside of yourself so that you’re focusing on everything around you rather than what’s happening inside.

It can be thinking things like:
“Oh, how do I look?”
“Does this make me look hot?”
“What if I move there?”

It could be making sounds, moaning because you think that will make the situation hotter, or maybe that sound will turn your partner on more.

It’s focusing completely on the other person and disconnecting from your own experience. Your mind is in the future: planning the next move, planning the next position, planning your next sound.

Performing pleasure isn’t always fake, but it’s just not yours. It’s not what’s real for you in that moment.

Because you’re moaning because you think you should, not because you feel it. You’re moving in the way porn taught you to, not actually how your hips want to move.

And you’re thinking about what your partner is thinking about, wondering:
“Was that good?”
“Was that bad?”

Instead of tuning into what’s actually happening in your body.

When you’re in performance pleasure your mindset is in the future which, when we think about it, is obviously not in the present. You’re thinking about what you’re going to do next instead of feeling what’s happening right now.

What Receiving Pleasure Can Look Like:

Receiving pleasure requires you to turn your gaze inward, inside your body, into the physical and emotional experience that’s happening in the activity that you’re doing together.

It’s not about observing or spectating what’s happening in your body but actually allowing those sensations,
and those emotions, to move completely through you.

You’re able to follow what feels good. There’s a sense of curiosity, exploration, maybe even playfulness. Hiccups, squeaks, and farts are not going to derail your experience here because you’re present with what’s happening and it doesn’t need to look like anything.

The movements your body makes come from a place of:
“This feels good.”

Either your body is doing it on its own, or you’re noticing:
“Hey, when I move my hips this way, ooh it makes it feel even better.”

You allow yourself to feel good without needing to look good.

And that, that shows that your mind is in the present moment. You’re experiencing each moment as it unfolds.

So when we think about satisfying sex…
If you’re performing pleasure, you’re ticking boxes, planning your next move, and your mind is in the future. And inherently, you don’t have what’s in the future.

But when you’re receiving pleasure in your body, in the moment you are in the moment.

You are present.

And inherently, what it is that you want is available to you right now. That’s where satisfaction lives.
In the moment.

And this is what it’s all pointing to:

The ability to have nourishing, satisfying sexual experiences is the ability for your mind and body
to stay present with what is happening.

What Does It Feel Like to Be In Receiving?

Many of my clients tell me:

They feel less anxious.
They feel calm.
Grounded.
Confident.
They feel safe.

There’s a sense of curiosity, of playfulness, of engagement.

They’re completely engaged with what’s happening with the other person, but also with themselves. Because they feel connected to themselves. They haven’t left or abandoned themselves behind.

What Helps You Stay In The Moment?

Well, straight up?

Meditation.

(Probably not the answer you were thinking, I know.)

But if we really think about what meditation is it’s training your mind to be present. And there are many ways to do that. It’s not all lotus pose on the floor.

There are reflective, passive meditations. There are active, movement-based ones. Find what feels aligned for you. What helps train your mind to stay here.

And if this still feels out of reach?

This is exactly what we’re exploring in this month’s paid post: Why sensation, and being able to connect to the experience of sensation in your body is the bridge to presence.

Because when you can follow the sensation, you begin to follow the pleasure.

And hopefully? Lose yourself just a little bit more…in every moment.