You’re not actually communicating

What happens when "I don't know, just touch me", becomes your default.

Hello beauties,

let me paint you a picture from my world. So when I'm getting steamy with new lovers and we're making out, I like to introduce this game where I ask them" how would you like me to touch you for the next five minutes?"

I find that it's playful, it breaks the ice, and it's a beautiful way to practice communication. But you know what can happen? Blank stares, "I don't know, just touch me however you want." And I'm like "okay, but how?" And then they look at me like I've asked them to solve quantum physics. So I might offer a bridge and say "do you want a nourishing touch, squeezing touch, light, flowy, heavy?" And then they just passively agree "oh yeah sure, that sounds good." And in that moment I feel this frustration begin to rise in me, because there's no ownership from them. They're just going along with whatever's happening.

Or in my coaching sessions where we are exploring touch exercises for pleasure, I'll ask someone to practice asking for the kind of touch they'd like to experience. And how do they respond? "I wanna feel loved and relaxed and gooey and tingly." And again, this frustration begins to mount. Because you are telling me how you want to feel, but you're not actually telling me how you want to be touched. And now this invisible burden has been placed upon me to figure out how to create that feeling for you.

And then there are the couples that I work with, i'll ask them both "okay, what are we going to explore today? What are you curious about?" And they'll just stare at each other, waiting as if trying to read each other's minds. And I'm sitting there watching this dance of avoidance and having to say "use your words, talk to each other, figure this out together."

Now here's the common thread, most people think they're communicating when they're actually just hoping someone else will figure it out for them. So let me be clear about what real communication actually sounds like, because most people have never heard it.

Real communication is specific, directional and embodied. It can sound like "touch me slower. Can you use firmer pressure? I want to try this position. Stay right there. Can we pause for a moment? Thank you. That feels amazing."

Real communication is NOT "whatever you want, oh sure that sounds good. I just wanna feel connected."

Real communication names the action, there's ownership and direction. Now let's unpack a bit deeper about why we don't actually ask for what we want.

Because if real communication is clear and specific, why aren't people doing it? Short answer, because it is vulnerable as fuck. Because if you actually ask for what you want, it means that you could be rejected. To be specific means to be seen, actually seen. Not the version of you that performs or pleases, but the real you that has desires, preferences, and needs. That is terrifying for people.

So instead of risking that vulnerability, people try to stay safe. By being passive and hoping that their partner will just figure it out. When they say "oh do whatever you want" and abandon themselves in the moment. Because at least if I don't ask for anything, I can't be rejected for asking. I can't be blamed for being too demanding. This is a form of protection but protection has a cost, and that's what we're gonna talk about.

So what really happens when you choose to be passive over direct communication? Well, if you can't name what you want, you also can't redirect what you don't want. These aren't separate skills. It's all your ability to speak up for yourself in a sexual moment.

If you can't say "touch me slower", you also can't say, "Hmm, that doesn't feel good." If you can't ask for a different position, you also can't ask to stop when you need to. If you can't own your desires, you abandon yourself every single time something doesn't feel right. So when something shifts in your body and the touch gets too intense, if you need to pause or want something different, the pattern may be that you go silent and you endure.

You disconnect instead of communicating, and then maybe you end up walking away feeling resentful, taken for granted, and having no idea how to solve this. Because you think the problem is that your partner is not reading your mind correctly. But the real problem is that you disappeared on yourself the moment you needed to speak up.

And I get why this happens. We have been sold some absolute bullshit story that communication kills the mood, that sex should just flow naturally, and that if you have to ask it's not authentic. So instead of speaking up you stay passive, thinking that that's gonna keep you safe. That going with the flow means you're enlightened, surrendered, easygoing, but it's actually self abandonment in motion.

And I get it, i've been there. There was a time in my life where I was terrified of confrontation, so scared of being rejected or seen badly that I would literally freeze. I did not have the words.

But here's what I know now, being on the other side of all of that. Every time you don't speak up for yourself, you are choosing to disconnect. I. Every time you say whatever, instead of what you actually want, you're abandoning yourself. And then you wonder why the sex feels empty, why you feel unseen, and there's this quiet resentment that begins to bubble that you can't name or solve. I am not saying this to shame you, i'm saying this because I need you to see the pattern.

You're going to start noticing where you've been hoping someone else would figure it out, instead of letting yourself find your voice. And here's what I want you to know. This is something that you can learn, there is another way. And it begins with seeing what's actually happening.

 Reflection questions. When was the last time you could specifically name the kind of touch you wanted in a sexual encounter?

Where in your last intimate encounters did you say "whatever, or Sure", instead of expressing an actual preference, I.

 If this hit something real for you, if you are recognizing these patterns in yourself and want to understand why it feels so hard to speak up for what you want. I'm gonna be diving deeper into the psychology behind this in, in this week's membership space. We are gonna explore the real reasons that people avoid direct communication, what we do instead, and most importantly how to rebuild your capacity to ask for what you want without collapsing.

I'll see you in the inner circle.