Erotic aliveness versus just getting off

From clinical checklists to creative life force. What erotic aliveness is really made of

Hello Beauties.

I still remember the moment. It was winter time and my first visit to Queenstown in the South island. It's minus five degrees Celsius. I am wrapped in my fur and my boots, and I'm walking outside in that crisp, fresh air, and as I turn the corner, there they were, the Remarkables. The snow dusted, towering, impossibly silent mountain range covered in snow.

And it literally, I literally froze in my tracks. And I just stood there, taken over by the sight of this magnificence, and then I began to weep. The beauty of these mountains moved something in me, not the kind of oh, pretty that you just comment on beauty.

The kind that breaks your chest open.

And when I finished my walk and made it back to my apartment, still buzzing from that moment of awe, I began my self-pleasure practice. Because my window looked directly over these mountains, because I wanted to continue to bring that energy of beauty and splendor into the warmth of my room, my body and to explore that energy in my practice.

My self-pleasure practice wasn't about arousal or about climax, but allowing that energy to move through me. Beauty, awe, wonder. Honoring that with my breath, touch and my presence.

That is what erotic aliveness can feel like.

What people think they want

Most people think they just wanna get off. They wanna reach that completion and squirt their way into bliss. But what they really want is to feel alive.

The world has taught us to measure our sex by results. Did it last long enough? Did it work? Did I stay hard? Did I get wet enough? Did you come?

But the thing is, sex isn't a formula, and orgasm does not always mean connection.

The clinical path and what gets missed

And there are many people, especially the men that come to me for sex coaching, thinking that they just need the fix. That one technique or training or trick to get their performance function back.

This is especially noticeable with my clients who have had very invasive surgeries such as a prostatectomy, the surgical removal of the prostate, and that is a very long road to recovery.

And some of them are doing all the right things, all the clinical things. They're following the rehab program, the daily practices, the medical advice and (blessing) for some, they are able to get some of their function back. Erections return slowly, as does sensation and maybe pleasure.

But something is still missing, and that's something I believe is erotic aliveness.

And so here's what many people don't realize. You can still get an erection and still feel numb inside. You can orgasm and still feel disconnected, and you can do all the right things on paper and still not feel alive in your erotic body.

And so I want to propose the idea that erotic aliveness, it's not a moment, it's actually a state of being.

What I noticed over time

When I was deep in my seven weeks of daily self-pleasure practices, which was a part of my sexological training, I began to notice something over time.

I noticed that my mood was lighter. I felt more buoyant. I was more connected to my entire body, my hips, my vulva, my pelvis. And that's not to say that I was in a constant state of arousal or anything, but it was more of an awareness.I could feel that those part of me existed, that they were actually a part of me and not just some black hole that disappeared it below my waist.

I started to slow down my pace as I walked so I could sink into my hips more. I had to keep my notes app open and very close by because the ideas would just pour out of me after every self-pleasure practice, that I had to get it down.

That resistance to doing the practices began to fade over time. In the beginning, there was a very loud voice was just saying, "this isn't productive. There are other things that you can be doing. Mandy, there are other more important things that you should give your attention to instead of touching yourself."

And eventually that voice faded and instead, my body wanted the touch, my skin needed it, it craved it. And I started to give myself that touch in my self pleasure practices not out of duty, but devotion. That is erotic aliveness.

How do you know if you are living in erotic aliveness?

And so maybe you're asking, "Hey Mandy, how do you know if you're living in erotic aliveness?"

Well, I can share from my experience what I noticed.

You may notice that your mind isn't judging your eroticism as much. It's not asking you, "do I have it? Where is it gone? There's something wrong with me."

Your mind isn't trapped in a performance panic. And instead there's a sense of steadiness, a, a quiet, grounded trust where you know how to come home to your eroticism, to your eros. And even when your eros feels. So far, far away, you know how to find your way back.

Now you're not in fear of your body or your eroticism, you are actually in relationship.

Erotic trust

And so this is where I've been playing with the term erotic trust because erotic trust is the bridge between technique and transformation. Because you can still do all the techniques in the world and still feel empty. Because when you start to trust your eroticism or your eros, your life force energy, when you stop trying to force desire and actually start meeting your body where it is, something changes.

And I see it in my massage clients. They're the ones that breathe deeper. They sound, they move their bodies and they come back. And not just for the release of a Tantric massage, but for the remembrance of their body, for who they are in that room.

Some of my long-term clients have been with me for years. And not just myself, but they've also been seeing other Tantric massage practitioners and over that time i've watched the shift. Not just in their skill, but in their surrender. Not because I have fixed them, not that I'm even able to, but because they've learned to stay with themselves. To use the tools and to be in response, not in panic.

And so erotic trust says,

I trust my Eros when it's here.
I trust my Eros when it's not here
because I know how to cultivate it
and I know it will return.

What this work actually is

That's why the work that I do, this Sex and Somatics, that intersection of the living space.

It's not medical, it's certainly not clinical, and it is definitely not about getting back, getting you back to how you used to be. That isn't the point. The point is, can you be with who you are now? Can you meet your erotic body here in this version and build trust from there? Because when you do something extraordinary opens.

You stop seeking sex as a way to prove or validate something, and you actually start seeking it to feel like yourself again. To feel your life force, to feel your aliveness.

An invitation

Has this opened something up for you?

I would love to know, have you ever felt something like this, even if you didn't know what to call it?

Is erotic aliveness something that you want to move towards? And what part of this post has landed? Most deeply for you. Drop a thought below, I would love to hear what moved you.

And if this did light something up for you, great. Because this is just the beginning.

Inside the membership space, we are going to dive deeper into what does erotic trust actually look like in real bodies? How does erotic trust build over time from a practitioner's point of view and getting deeper into why the clients come back if it's not to get fixed? What does remembering who they are mean?

Thank you so much for your time Beauties, come meet me in the membership space.