I let someone watch me masturbate.

Here's what came up in my body.

Hello beauties, welcome back.

So I want to take you back to something that happened during my sexological training. Now remember, for the first three months of this training, we were doing all the embodiment exercises. And at this point I had already been doing about five weeks of daily mindful self pleasure.

I was touring the country with another tantric massage practitioner, a dear friend. And so I was working, I was studying, I was practicing. My body is softening, my hips are opening. There is a sense of softness and aliveness and creativity, right. And now we are in the point of the curriculum for the practice of being witnessed. And being witnessed in my mindful masturbation.

And yes, it is exactly what you think it is. I am self pleasuring and somebody is watching. And I can already imagine some of you feeling that tightening in your belly, "oh, why would I ever let someone watch me do that?!" And in one word, shame. It has to do with shame.

And now let me paint the scene a little bit more clearly. This isn't someone random sitting in the corner, oogling at me, using my sexual experience to feed their fantasy. It was not performative, and it's not about critique. The container is very clear. The witness offers presence, non-judgment and acceptance, nothing else.

And so this friend of mine, a peer, a colleague, one of my nearest and dearest friends who has seen me through the best and the worst of my times. Someone I trust absolutely. And it made sense that if there was anyone who was going to witness me in this practice, it would be her.

And so we set the container, I decided that I would be on the bed facing the mirror cupboard that was next to the bed, so that way I could see myself, she would be sitting on a chair in the corner of the room diagonally behind me. So I would not be able to see her, but she would be able to see me, uh, she would be able to see the back of me and through the reflection in the mirror. And so as we were creating the container, we sat down, we spoke our intentions, what this would be, what would this not be, and then we started the timer, 30 minutes.

And as I began, and I'm listening to the music, I instantly noticed that I am acutely aware that she's in the corner. This immediate hyperawareness, you could say hyper vigilance. And at that moment I'm noticing my mind start to kick up of, "oh shit, someone else is here. What is she thinking of me? What do I look like?"

And it was so fascinating to notice, how strongly I was distracted. The self-judgment, the self-criticism, almost like it was it was a flicker of shame. However, because I had already built up a relationship with my body for the previous five weeks, I could redirect my attention back to myself. And I noticed that when that internal fear or self-criticism came up, I could tell myself, "it's okay, she loves you, you love her. This is a safe space. Come back to yourself."

And then I was able to redirect back to my body, back to my breath, my skin, feeling sensation and pleasure. I went back to that space, which I have been establishing for the five weeks prior. And as I'm moving through my practice, something happens. As I'm breathing deeper and I'm touching firmer and sounding the music is playing, my vibrator is buzzing away. My hips begin to roll, and now I am conscious to roll and roll my spine and my hips through this practice, but this was different. It wasn't me initiating the move, it was my body. And so these rolls, these circles began small and then they got bigger, and then there were spiraling.

My pelvis started moving in such a grand gesture, travel, traveling, undulating all the way from the base of my spine all the way to my crown. It almost felt out of control. And again, there was a moment, moment of "what is this? What's happening?" And now realize that I could have stopped this movement at any time if I really wanted to. If I really wanted to, I could have shut it down, but I didn't want to. My body wanted to move through it.

And so from a Tantric perspective, you could view this through the lens of a Kundalini awakening, right? The base chakra, the double serpent is spiraling up the spine, releasing all the chakra energies. You know, all that good stuff.

From a sexological body work perspective, we could look at it through the lens of the dura unwinding. Now, the dura is a very tough membrane that encapsulates the central nervous system. Um, and can hold a lot of tension. And so people, when they have an experience of the dura unwinding, of releasing, there can be a sense of openness, lightness, uh, freedom, you could say.

And the thing is, I don't even remember. If I orgasmed in that self pleasure practice, but what I do remember is the sense of freedom, this sense of a openness, a lightness, this realization, this knowing that i'm not too much, and I am doing this right because I'm listening to what's happening in my body, and that's what's right.

And as the practice finished as the timer gently. Rang, rang the bells. We came back together in circle to close the space, and we shared. It wasn't a critique and there was no feedback. It was about sharing what we noticed in ourselves. And so my friends shared that she noticed openness, a beauty, a deep gratitude for the trust of our connection that I could allow her to witness something so sacred to me.

And for me, it was if a veil of shame had gently been slipped off. Not ripped or purged away dramatically, just gently lifted. Because I had been received in my tenderness, in my vulnerability, in my authentic truth, you could say without evaluation.

And this is a piece that I really want to focus in on today. It's this practice wasn't about being watched, it was about being received. And so much of our sexual shame is not actually about the act itself. It's actually about not knowing how we are gonna be received. We grew up in a world consuming, uh, distorted sexual media that is inaccurate and exaggerated.

We are doing these activities alone. We carry these questions quietly "is this normal? Am I too much? Am I doing it right?" Even in relational dynamics, if you are sharing sexy time with somebody else, there is still that sense of evaluation, whether it is real or simply perceived.

And that's why there are people that will find relief in places like uh, nude beaches and sex clubs, in a space where bodies are normalized,. It allows the nervous system to have a different reference point. But when we're talking about working with the living shame in your body around eroticism, having your eroticism witness in the frame of acceptance can be potent.

And what I notice in my coaching work is there are some clients who desperately want to know if they're doing it right. They want the feedback, the critique, the evaluation. Like genuinely they do want to improve. However, I am not here to grade their pleasure. Because the deeper question is not "did I do it right?" But rather "what does my body do when it feels evaluated?" And "what does my body do when it feels accepted?"

These are questions for you to ponder because our nervous system knows the difference. The moment we feel evaluated, we brace, we monitor, and we slip into performance. While when we feel accepted something else is possible. Curiosity, movement, expression, surrender.

And in my witnessed session, my body didn't shut down. It didn't freeze or shrink. It spiraled, it opened. And that's why for some people, sexual encounters can be healing. And it's not because of a technique, but because they are being received something that is vulnerable and tender without being measured.

And so here's something I would love for you to notice.

What does your body do when it feels judged, even subtly? Even if that's internally from yourself.

And what does your body do when it feels accepted, especially in your sexuality and eroticism?

Can you feel the difference?

I this is where shame alchemy begins.

Thank you beauties for wandering with me through this wonderful world of witness masturbation. And if you want to dive deeper into understanding how shame shapes your sexuality without you even noticing. And learning about what are the real skills that you actually need to cultivate to widen or loosen shame's grip, come join me in the membership space.

I'll see you there.