Erotic immaturity isn't rare, it’s the cultural norm

Okay, let’s paint a scene people.

I invite you to imagine that you are making an appointment with a new doctor, perhaps a specialist. Generally what would happen is you would look up the clinic, maybe you’ve Google searched it, you have read about their services, you’ve gone to their contact page, and maybe you’ve either sent them an email or given reception a call and said,

“Hi, my name is. John X and I would like to make an appointment with this person.

Do you have availability next week from Wednesday the 15th onwards? An afternoon booking would be great.”

And then you would wait patiently for that clinic to respond. Sounds simple, right? And yet when sex comes into the picture, suddenly minds go out the window.

And that is my experience as an escort, as a sex worker.

When sex enters the room, maturity exits

When I put my ad up advertising my services, suddenly men, and I’ll say men, because that’s who these escort ads are for, who will be very fucking blatant to me, and I mean speaking in a way as if I am some on-call porn star here to fulfill their fantasy while paying zero attention to all the information that I have very clearly put on my ad, put on my website.

To the point where I have had to place a checkbox on my website that says,

“Yes, I have read all the services and the pricing, and the frequently asked questions” before reaching out. And yet they still bypass it.

And people will start asking the same basic bitch ass questions. And I’ll refer them back to my website, back to my ad, and yet they still don’t read it.

I am not here to hold your hand through something you should have already figured out. The audacity that these people will literally text, and I use the word text lightly because they cannot even write complete sentences, let alone complete words.

U, the letter, U avail, not even a question mark, not even full, complete words, let alone sentences.

Or they’ll go the other way and be so vulgar, so blatantly disrespect, disrespectful.

I have a hundred dollars, let me lick your pussy.

And I’m thinking

“is that how you, you would talk to the checkout person at the grocer?

Were you raised this way?”

The wide, gaping void of erotic maturity

And there is such a wide gap when it comes to erotic maturity. The gap is so huge. I barely see erotic maturity. The amount of messages that I have received that are presumptuous, entitled, disembodied and dehumanizing. Where men are projecting their fantasy, trying to bypass my consent, and ignoring clearly stated boundaries.

They want to jerk off to the idea of me sticking my face onto their fantasy rather than connect with me. I’ve had clients walk in to my space and literally try to grab my ass and kiss me without consent. I’ve had to push them back quite firmly and say,

“Hey, this is massage only.”

While we’re still standing at the door. Being inside the session room where even though at the very beginning I reaffirm there are certain activities I do not offer, they don’t seem to hear it. Even though they say yes and nod their head in agreement.

My story is not unique. Anybody who works in sexuality will have, come up against this at some point in time.

Why does sex short-circuit basic human decency?

So the question then becomes why is it that when sex is involved, that suddenly all sense, all respect, all common sense, although apparently not so common, goes out the window.

And the truth is this lack of erotic literacy is rampant. And what do I mean by erotic literacy?

Look, most of us got taught some form of sex ed, which may have covered some STIs and a bit of anatomy. But it never actually taught us how to be with it, with our own erotic energy, without leaking, projecting, or demanding of another person.

It never taught us how to be in relation with another person when our sexual energy, when our arousal and desire are involved.

Erotic maturity is not the same as being polite

This is about people understanding the deeper need behind the sexual energy. That it’s not just about friction or release, but that it’s something deeper that needs to be fed. And I’m not saying that everybody needs to be aware of somatics or is even interested in Tantra.

But it’s about how do you show up?

How do you move through the space?

How do you communicate when your hormones and your groin is starting to bulge?

And I’m gonna tell you what it’s like for the clients who do get it.

What erotic maturity actually looks like

These are the clients who, they’ll send me a message after having read my website or my profile completely with something along the lines of,

Hi Mandy.

I read your offerings and they sound great.

All the reviews have gotten me interested.

Would you be available for a 90 minute booking at 4:00 PM on Thursday?

I look forward to hearing from you.

They have made an appointment as if they’re seeing the dentist. They have acknowledged me and my work. When they arrive and they say hello and cross into my space. They will literally wait with me as I close the door.

And this is important because when I’m in a shared working space, you don’t go wandering around. This is not your space, and so they wait patiently as I close the door, and then follow me as I escort them to the room.

We have a chat, find out about their day. Complete the payment and then I get them ready for a shower. All this time, they’re able to maintain eye contact with me and are waiting for me to invite them into my space and not barge into mine.

And all of this, I can tell from that very first message and how they choose to approach me.

Presence is the hill I will die on

Because erotic maturity isn’t just about being respectful, it’s about being resourced.

It’s not about someone trying to multi-shot or have multiple orgasms in one session as if they’re trying to get their money’s worth.

It’s about presence. And I’m gonna say this and continue to say this. This in fact is gonna be the hill that I die on.

It’s about presence.

It’s about being in your body. But when you are erotically illiterate, you miss that.

You are caught in the surface of it and externalize everything.

So if this has stirred something in you, whether you’ve been on the receiving end of this energy, or you’re starting to realize that maybe you’ve enacted some of it, then this next post is gonna be for you.

In the paid space this week we’re gonna go deeper into what erotic literacy actually is, how it looks, how it feels, and the kind of questions you need to ask yourself to start to rewire this pattern.

I’ll see you there.