Why your inner referee is making it harder to grow

A shame alchemy PSA for the end of the year

So, you know, it’s the end of the year and there are some people who will take this time to reflect on their year. What they set out to do, what they achieved. Some people may have kicked their goals, and others may not be as far along as they would like to be.

And this is especially true in sex, because that’s where shame lives, right? “Oh, I should be more healed by now. I should feel more pleasure right now. Why don’t I feel confident?”

And you know what they say? Comparison is the thief of joy. Because a lot of the time people are comparing themselves to some internal avatar that doesn’t exist yet. They’re relying on a cultural narrative, a phantom that lives in fantasy.

And here’s what I wanna talk about today. There’s actually a part of your brain that tracks all of this, your effort, your progress, and evaluates how well you are doing. Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, calls this your inner monitor or inner referee.

So when you are doing something, anything, and you pick it up quickly, your inner referee is like, “yeah, you are doing great. We’re really good at this,” and you feel good about it. And so you continue on.

Now, sometimes when you’re doing something, especially learning new things, it can be a little bit more difficult. It takes longer. You come up against a few more roadblocks, and now that inner referee doesn’t just get discouraged, it starts to panic. And it sends warning signals out into your brain and body, and those signals can sound like, “you are behind. You are failing, and you are broken.”

But what’s actually happening here is that your nervous system is flagging.

It’s saying, “this doesn’t feel safe. This doesn’t feel possible. Please stop. Let’s stop.” And so that voice that says “you should be further along”. It’s not motivating you, it’s actually inhibiting your growth.

It’s not logic. It’s nervous system safety.

The thing with the inner referee is that it’s a part of your emotional brain. Which means it’s not about logic, and it’s not even about what you know. It’s about what your body feels is true. And no, it is not about pretending that that inner voice, that the inner referee, isn’t there. That inner monitor is an automatic function of our brain and is out of our control.

But what we can do is learn to notice it and respond differently.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m learning something new. It’s going to take time. And the fact that I’m showing up, that’s where the work is.”

This is why your self-talk matters. It’s not just woo-woo spiritual manifestation. It is science-backed and proven. The more that you can hold yourself with grace, compassion, and care, that is what matters more to help get you across that finish line.

What’s next

If you wanna dive deeper in working with your inner referee, in this week’s paid post we’re gonna uncover more about how the inner referee functions in our brain and clear, concise steps that we can work to reframe to our advantage. I’ll see you there.